Ten ways to be a nice easy Messy Church… or any church

I was privileged to speak at the Southern Counties Baptist Association this week and shared a few thoughts about ‘pop-up’ church versus ‘proper’ church. (I hope you can hear the ironic boom of those inverted commas.) In the process, it was quite fun to collect a list of suggestions for making a Messy Church trivial, superficial and ‘frothy’. So, for your delectation and delight, here are ten ways to ensure your Messy Church—or indeed your ‘proper’ church—stays as ineffective as possible.
1. Always talk about God; avoid opportunities for encounter with God.
2. Teach as much as you can; ignore whether any actual learning is going on.
3. Keep things superficial. Only do easy Bible stories, ideally about sheep. Laugh tolerantly at questions, especially those from children or those new to church.
4. Maintain safe distances between you and others; avoid dangerous, time-consuming, unpredictable, uncontrollable friendships.
5. Product, not process, is the key. Concentrate on jobs, rotas, tasks, actions rather than people.
6. Hold on to the power. Keep your guests as passive consumers. Mould them to be like you.
7. You have the words of eternal life. Don’t expect to receive from adults, teens, children or God.
8. Ignore the needs of your families, your local community, the wider world. Leave these to proper church.
9. Expect nothing. Plan for nothing. Notice nothing.
10. Stay the same forever and fight any hint of change with the last breath in your body.